(A little background information relevant to the story below - my wife goes by many names, but outside of her actual name, most folks use Matic.)
This past weekend Big Blue was due for an oil change. I needed to swing by the local BMW & Porsche dealership to pick up an oil filter and since I also had a BOGO entree coupon for Pei Wei, I thought I could turn this jaunt into a lunch date with my much better half. I invited Matic along, she agreed, and off we went.
The first sign of trouble upon arriving at the dealership was when Matic questioned why I did not park in the BMW lot, instead pulling around to the Porsche lot of the dealership. As I powered Blue down, I motioned with both hands for her to gaze out the windshield where parked perpendicular to Blue was a 2014 Porsche Cayman S. I tried to show her the new Cayman, but when the Porsche salesman approached and asked if there was anything he could help us with, Matic briskly asked the salesman where the parts department was.
Matic-Block #1
After picking up the oil filter, I meandered over to the BMW side of the house in hope of seeing a 4-Series in person. Matic and I were the only ones in the showroom when a BMW salesman popped out of his office asking if he could be of assistance. When I responded that I was just poking my head in to see if there was a 4-series in the showroom, Matic yet again brought her A-game.
'Oh, you want to see a 4-series, we have three outside, right this way'.
Before I could even open my mouth to respond, Matic immediately shot back 'no, *he* does not want to see a 4-series. *He* came here to buy an oil filter for *his* perfectly fine 3-series. Now that *he* has bought an oil filter, *we* are going home'.
A second, much younger salesman popped out of his office and said, 'oh, no, it won't take but a minute, the 4-series cars are right outside that door', but the first, older salesman pointing to his chest, turned to the younger salesman and said 'married', then he pointed to the young salesman's chest and said 'not married', then turned back to us and said 'when the wife says they are not looking, it means in every sense of the phrase that they are not looking. Can I at least get you a bottle of water or soda for the trip back home?’
Matic-Block #2
And thus concluded my, err I mean our trip to the automotive candy store. Lesson learned for those who have domestic partners that do not share a compatible automotive passion - perhaps the better half is best left back at the homestead when you head out to visit the wagon store.
A few moments later, while plunging my chopsticks into some Mongolian beef goodness, Matic decided to provide the meal’s entertainment with her analysis of the morning’s visit to the dealership. Her observations and deductions were as follows:
a) I do not park at the BMW side of the dealership because if I did, it is a straight shot to the parts department thereby preventing me an obvious and casual route to the Porsche showroom. Knowing this, I instead consciously park at the Porsche side of the dealership as doing so guarantees a path to the parts department that takes me through the Porsche showroom and the along the edge of the BMW showroom.
b) I buy virtually everything in my life online, this is especially true for BMW parts. Heck I even buy the oil I use in Blue online and have it delivered to our doorstep, but not the oil filter. No, for the oil filter, I drive clear across the county and buy it in a physical store. I do this because it gives me an excuse to ogle the shiny new cars that line dealership’s hallways and socialize with the purveyors of said shiny new cars.
c) If Matic were buying the oil filter, she claimed she would buy 'at least 2, but probably 3 or 4' filters to save herself the hassle of having to make a return trip to the dealership when it came time for the next oil change. I do not do this, I only buy one filter at a time. I do this because it guarantees me return trips spaced far enough apart to see fresh 'latest and greatest' offerings at the dealership.
As Matic sat across from me at lunch rattling off her observations, my eyes widened, jaw dropped, and delicious wok-fried beef fell from my grasp as I realized that I was the coyote to her roadrunner. She had pretty much seen completely through my veiled intentions and nailed precisely my true motivations and purpose. Pretty smart that Matic is, it is going to take a better plan to defeat this enemy but happily ACME has an elaborate and comprehensive catalogue to help me along the way.
